"I'm Sorry I Will Never Get to Smell Your Hair After a Shower Again."
April 22, 2015
Dear N, Im sorry I hurt you. Im sorry that I said all those terrible things to you and broke you down like you never should have been. I was so angry with you because nothing you did seemed to show you loved me. This is my short coming in the relationship and marriage not yours. I needed more from you than I saw and thought you gave. Im sorry that I was so blinded by what I wanted instead of what you were giving. I missed it all, the big things the little things, even the things that prob don't matter. I missed it all. I should have been looking for all the things that said i love you instead of the one that said you dont. I wanted so much more for us than we got and prob will get. I know now that i have lost you and it breaks my heart into sub atomic particles. Yeah i said sub atomic, I say that because there is no way to put it back together. Nor does it deserve to be put back together. His holiness the Dali Lama says we waste time of today looking for tomorrow. Well I spent all my life looking forward for what should have been but not what was. I know you think I am not the same man you fell in love with and that is probably true but im sorry for everything. Im sorry you fell in love with a man you thought was someone else. Im sorry i ever hurt you. Im sorry I will never get to smell your hair after a shower again. Or wake up in the morning to see you and know the sunset could not equal the beauty I see. I am a terrible person and I told you this from the start. I should never have taken the vision of beauty and innocents I saw in you and crushed it. You are not the woman I fell in love with because I turned you into someone different. I am a never going to be able to make it up to you, but i know i would try. Try to show you i dont care about what was or is but what is now. I want to see you smile and be happy but im can make that happen. Im sorry for the rage i bottled up and released at you. Im sorry i lost my temper so many times that it broke you down. I dont know how to teach people i love only those i dont care about. I didnt know how to teach you to be better than what i thought you were and i failed you for thinking i needed to. I have lost more than just a person in my life but rather i have lost a part of it. I can never be whole again, and im sorry that you had to be ruined in the process. I hate who i am and what i have done but none of that will fix it. I cry every night in terror for the day that has come. I know you want me gone and its nothing i can change. Im sorry i made you push me out and away. Im sorry i was and am not the man you need or deserve. Im sorry for my ideas and thoughts and everything that has ever hurt the delicate pedal that is your heart. It was so large and so caring and i just missed it. I just never saw it and i am sorry it is so late i cant convince you I see it now. You claim i ruined you and your heart; probably true. I dont know how to fix that and i am sorry for that. I can never fix what i have done but i can suffer and punish myself for the rest of my life and know i had it all and i lost it. I broke the one peice of my life that really would have lasted and I didnt care while i did it. I am a terrible person and i will suffer for it in the end. Shame on me and forgive me not, you deserve better and im sorry i was not the one to give it to you. Signed, Failed love